Guest post by Péter Habina Sr.
Manipulation is a conscious human practice whereby one party, with premeditated intent, mentally distorts and emotionally influences the other in order to gain power, strength, or physical, mental or material influence over them, with the aim of securing some advantage they consider important.
What is the difference between healthy social influence and psychological manipulation?
The former occurs daily between any two people, as it forms part of mutual interpersonal communication.
In psychological manipulation, however, through deliberate action, only one party derives benefit from the other.
The manipulator, that is, the person carrying out the manipulation, deliberately and with premeditated intent upsets the balance characteristic of relationships and exploits the other party to suit their own will.
Interpersonal communication is sincere and direct:
“It would be so nice if we went out for dinner tonight. What do you think? Would you perhaps come with me?”
In other words, here the speaker has openly expressed what they would like; their intention is clear and understandable, and the message is straightforward…
The manipulative suggestion:
“I’d love to go out for dinner tonight to a trendy, popular place. Right, right, I know you don’t like this place, but if you really love me, you’d come with me regardless of how you feel or what you think of the place.”
In other words, this is a typical example of emotional blackmail, in which it is clear that everything must happen exactly as the speaker expects. Every action taken by the ‘manipulated individual’ must demonstrate that they love the other person, and for this reason they will even do things they originally had no intention of doing, whether for emotional or rational reasons.
In other words: if and when something does not happen the way the manipulator wants it to, then the other person certainly does not love them.
An example of covert manipulation:
Have you organised plans for the evening with other people? (If the answer is ‘yes’, I’ll take offence because you didn’t ask me or check with me, so I’m not your priority, which means you don’t love me.)
It’s the same point, the same message, just phrased in a completely different way…
What they all have in common is the aim: for the two of them to go out for dinner together.
Words carry weight – it’s no coincidence that this saying has become so widespread. It matters how we express our intentions and desires, because it can easily turn into manipulation.
The aim was the same in all three cases; it’s just that in the second and third instances, the person asking left no choice, because the choice was no longer relevant to them….
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