Guest post by Péter Habina Sr.
In a relationship, what signs indicate that we have become victims of manipulation?
1. Casting doubt on what we perceive as facts and feelings
The ‘basic principle’ of manipulation is to try to divert us from rational thought, logic, or what our ‘inner self’ suggests.
If you feel that, due to the other person’s expectations, you are acting in ways that make you feel uncomfortable too often, or if your thoughts and feelings are being questioned, and as a result you begin to question your own mental and emotional world.
That is already a fair bit of manipulation.
The ‘overriding’ of rationality and logical, sensible behaviour serves the purpose of allowing the manipulator to gain a voluntary exemption from something and to control the other person.
2. A very impulsive emotional relationship
Love is the most wonderful thing in the world. It is only natural for a romantic relationship to be intense and passionate at the start.
Experiencing this is a fantastic feeling. We all long for it.
However, it gives pause for thought when someone tries to persuade us to consciously suppress our own feelings and subordinate ourselves to the other person in every respect. The constant references to ‘Ah, the good old days’, and the promise of a future that is exclusively desired, possible, yet never to be realised, are also signs of manipulation.
3. Help!! What will happen to me if they leave me????????
If you are in a relationship with someone who will do anything to ensure you stay with them, it is the fear of being left that drives their thoughts and actions.
If you constantly feel that you’re not secure in the relationship – that you could be replaced at any moment by someone better, newer, more attractive or more reliable, with clearly defined qualities – well, then that is certainly manipulation.
When your boss at work constantly rubs it in that if you do not act in accordance with their specific expectations, they will sack you and thereby ruin you both financially and morally: well, this too is classic manipulation.
It is only natural that we all make sacrifices and compromises in a relationship for the sake of the other person; this is what a healthy relationship is built on, and it is what makes it acceptable and strong.
Signs of manipulation:
• An increasingly intense feeling that only they are making sacrifices for the other person, that they are always the one who gives in in the end – thereby sustaining serious emotional wounds, or, in the worst case, inflicting them on themselves.
• There is a persistent feeling that if they say ‘no’, the other person will leave them, hurt them or kick them out, causing their life to fall apart completely.
Whichever of these applies – or, in the worst-case scenario, both – then unfortunately there is a high chance you are dealing with a manipulator…
4. The key element of manipulation: constant comparison
Manipulative people constantly assume that everyone wants to compete with them. This is not usually the case, but because of this, they are constantly comparing themselves and others to others.
Statements such as: ‘But others have managed it’, ‘So you must have loved your ex more than me’ – these can all be signs of manipulation. This makes the other person feel that (for their own, well-understood benefit!!!) they must compete with everyone and always perform perfectly in everything – especially when it comes to the manipulator’s expectations. As a result, the person being manipulated constantly feels at fault and experiences a growing sense of guilt.
5. The manipulator wins over the other person’s circle of acquaintances
The manipulator seeks to create a consistently favourable impression and maintain appearances. On countless occasions, they are capable of consciously and coldly, with careful calculation, cultivating very close relationships with the other person’s immediate and wider circle of acquaintances, even without the other person’s knowledge.
The manipulator regards it as perfectly natural to speak ill of the other person behind their back, portraying themselves as the victim and emphasising the sacrifices they themselves make for the relationship. In this way, they attempt to completely cut the other person off from their loved ones and provoke arguments with them, so that they cannot even ask for help or support later on. Ultimately, through these tactics, they manage to virtually monopolise the other person, exercising complete emotional, financial and moral control over them.
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